Puddle of Tears...

Yes you all know by now I am jobless.... not of any fault of mine, but big business big layoff... yes they new all about it when they hired us, before xmas they were going to let us go but kept us hangin on, so I sit here thinkin, not much but tears but what else can I do..

They took us all aside into a meeting of our own and told us about no work then tried to coach us not taking it hard, some of the girls were just crying and I felt so low, on they way home my thoughts were not good but I made it, didn't think I could get the truck to flip over the bridge, besides its not my truck, only thing on my mind was my wife and my baby girl...

I owe my life to them and I must take care of my family and what happens? the whole world just ended and I feel like a failure again, I always feel like a loser and now I just feel like why, why why me, but somehow I drink think girly crap my wife bought and my mind is out of service now, really not but ya I wish it was somehow...

Tomorrow is my last day, at work the morale is so low you can sweep it up off the floor, everybody just looks at the ground and nobody is smiling at all, its like life inside just died, I feel it and know everyone else does too, been through this before and before, I just listen to my soul and its emtpy. No thoughts are heard at all, gee wonder why?

well before I get this note too suicidal I will end it with a verse from a song I just played, its a song called "blue train" and the first part goes like this.... Another day is ending, I remember when my world, came falling down. Out there the stars stop dancing. Lost in my darkness now, the rain keeps falling down..... its a love song but the first part kinda fits , its a really good song though.....

Anyway its so depressing to think or to even think, music right now just has me in tears so I must find hapiness in this eeewweeeeeeee peach WTF am I drinking.. hehehehe ohh I see to mikes hard lemon in there, mine now..... All I keep seeing is pictures of baby k, yes there everywhere around here and without her or my wife who loves me no matter what, I would be thinking totally different, I am so tired of life and its apples that fall from the tree that it would of been time to cut it down...

For now I got to look foward and never look back, because if I do I get too depressed.... all I can say is --- FUCK THEM ALL--- .... I feel like playing guitar and recording again, fire up the bass for a line of misguided notes with a light strum of a slightly out of tune guitar with a distorted lead that crys and ties it all together in your thought so you could hear how I feel inside, use to be all I had before I got married and now thinking I should do it again while I am married, never too old to play guitar I guess, something I have always done and now its like I need to let it out...

I got some old tapes I need to get copied onto the computer and make digital, who has a cassette player????? nice home unit, D has not heard these old masters I got, one I have is so sad my mom cried the first time she heard it, she knew it was me and when I got home well first off start from the beginning, I made a tape in my room on my old junk, but took a tape out to moms stereo and played it loud to see how the mix was, well I left it in the stereo and left, we were not allowed to touch moms HIFI, no no no, mom kill, but I left and when I got home my mom was crying in her room so I went to my room, I was 15 at the time and there it was that tape laying on my pillow, so I asked my mom if she was alright and she said, whats wrong are you okay, she thought I was off to die somewhere , she said it was the saddest sound she ever heard and knew it was from me...she hugged me and said are you sure your okay talk to me, I told her I was fine and thought wow music is how I can let it out.....

I am so sad right now, that flash back was about the only time I was ever close to my mom and its when I was alone off into my little world of musical horror hehehehehe You all must think I am a looney but uhhhh okay I am fucking crazy but who cares anyway, hey at least I lost my job and thats better than you right now isn't it.... not funny, I will go play in my puddle of tears....